What Being Burnt Out Looks Like for Me.

It's been a long time since I last blogged and lots has changed. First off, we had a second baby! Little E has been amazingly typical and we are so grateful. Not so Little C just turned 4 and she's been keeping us so unbelievably busy. To give you an idea of how busy we are and why I am burnt out, here's a snapshot of last week and this week. 10 weekdays, 12 appointments. That's right. TWELVE. And not all appointments are just "show up and the work is done" type of appointments either. Oh no folks. Most of these appointments are "here's your homework" appointments. Little C has both private and publicly funded speech therapy sessions, all 1 hour long. It was also time to visit the pediatrician, dentist, non-invasive ventilation clinic, and the multidisciplinary team (OT/PT/SLP/psychologist). That doesn't include the half day camps that Little C was in last week either. I've been running on fumes for a while now but today the camel's back broke a bit. Actually it broke last week when I completely lost it on my poor child after she repeatedly bit me while trying to floss her teeth. Because our first dental visit made me feel like crap. Never mind the 3+ years that we fought and fought to brush Little C's teeth only to have finally gotten to a decent place with brushing the past few months.  Let's add that to the never ending list of things to work on. 

Fast forward to today. A simple visit with the non-invasive ventilation clinic to talk about how the CPAP is working for Little C. It was a new respirologist who immediately rubbed me the wrong way when she couldn't wait 5 damn seconds for Little C to attempt saying hi. Saying hi is a really new thing for us. It's not quite a hi, but more of a "haauh..." Everyone, and I mean everyone that we have stopped to say hi to was able to read my social cues (me cuing Charlotte for the practice, modeling how to say hi, and waiting beside her) and would patiently wait for Little C to say "hi". This includes random strangers on walks, in the grocery store, you name it! This physician comes rolling in, talks over us and Little C in her greetings and cuts off our poor girl who started to say hi but then stopped. Then it was 30 minutes of her telling us that we need to sleep train our child so that she can self soothe at night because we had mentioned that she was waking up more often than normal this past month. She tried to hide her cringe when she realized we stay in the room with Little C until she falls asleep, but I saw it. She asked about parenting courses and lectured us on how we really need to have her learn how to self-soothe. Nothing she told us I didn't already know. So we left the appointment having gained nothing but to wait 6 months for another sleep study. 

On the drive home, it finally dawned on me why I was so irritated and defensive with this physician. She doesn't know our journey or Little C's struggles. We have worked so damn hard to be where we are at today. She doesn't fight us to put on her CPAP mask. She happily reads books with it on and will sleep the entire night with it blasting air up her nose. I'm not sure how many of you have tried a CPAP, but it EFFING SUCKS. So if I choose to sit in my child's room until she falls asleep because she's got a CPAP on and crying with it is not at all enjoyable, let alone vomiting with it on, then you better stand the eff down. 

So I was angry. And with anger always comes tears. And the tears weren't all angry tears. They were "I'm exhausted, frustrated, and I have so little left to give" tears. Our days are filled with appointments and constant work. I don't even know how to juggle all this and still keep our sanity. If we aren't teaching Little C a new ASL sign that we just learned, we are modelling and teaching her how to use her augmented and alternative communication device, or getting to her to try to turn on her voice. Fit in some strengthening activities, a heck of a lot of crying (because she can't communicate what she really thinks), and your "normal" day to day activities and I'm pretty sure we have negative time left in the day. 

So that's the rant. Ironic that I have no time but made time to blog. I told the hubs that I need an outlet. I need somewhere to rant about how hard it is to have a child with a disability. How all consuming and isolating it is. I am thankful for the support and love that we have because we would never survive without it, but on days like today, when all it takes are some mindless words of a physician who has not walked 1 second in our shoes to make me feel like I'm not being a good enough parent for my child, I need to remind myself that we are freakin' ROCK STARS. 

Grateful

I cannot believe our wee little baby is almost 5 months old. I found some time today to edit some photos and it brought me right back to the NICU. It amazes me how resilient babies are, and people in general. I am so grateful for our health care system, that I did not have to worry about how I was going to pay for the care my baby was receiving, and that I get to spend an entire year with my sweet girl. What an incredible life I have and I am thankful for every minute of it. Sure we do not drive fancy cars, or have many expensive things, but with our health, a loving family, amazing friends, a roof over our heads on this cold, cold day, and full bellies, I am fulfilled. 

Parenthood

This is going to be a short post because if you haven't already done the math based on my last few posts, we welcomed our sweet little baby girl into our arms on August 19th at 2:03 AM and she's currently napping soundly against my chest in a kangaroo T-shirt (something I didn't even know existed!). So before she starts raising a ruckus with her punchy little hands demanding to be fed, I thought I'd let the blogosphere know that Jamie and I started a new chapter in our lives. Parenthood. We are still in awe that we created this little being and little she is! Weighing only a mere 4 lbs 12 oz (2160 g) at birth, she was classified as IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction). I have lots I want to share but the little peanut is stirring and before she gets angry, I best get off my sore bottom and get her some food. 

Sweetness is...

being an aunt. I can't believe my lil niece is not so little anymore! The last time I posted a picture of her, we were welcoming autumn. Now she's 6 months old, sitting, eating solids and still the giggliest, happy, easygoing baby that she's always been. I'm so grateful that I can snuggle her every week (as long as I can pry her away from her grandparents' hands). This picture on the left was taken when she was about 4 1/2 months. The ones below are closer to 5 1/2 months. From tummy time to sitting up all on her own. She did have a few "timber" types of falls but I decided against posting those since +Cynthia Chau probably wouldn't approve. 

            

Welcome Autumn

 This happens to all of us every year. We open our eyes one morning and ask ourselves, "Why the heck is it so dark out?" Then we climb out of our warm bed into the cold house and realize that autumn has arrived. There's such a small window of time where the sun rise happens right about the same time you wake up and that small window was 2 weeks ago for me. Jamie has been travelling a lot lately so I've been walking Khuno and although mornings just destroy me, it felt so amazing to be out in the crisp air with the sunrise and my gorgeous pup. Now it's just plain dark and I'm reminded of how miserable it's going to be when not only is it going to be dark, but it'll be flippin' cold and snowy. We did manage to get out this past weekend to snap some fall family photos. Here's a little updated family photo and for not planning our outfits, we coordinated pretty well. And for not taking very many photos, +Van Tran did a pretty darn good job snapping our family pic. None of us could beat lil Annalise's cuteness though. She's giggling and smiling now which just melts everyone's heart. I <3 U little peanut! 

Ribbon Tag Blankie

This past weekend Jinnee and I stopped by the Creative Stitches & Crafting Show held at Millennium Place in Sherwood Park. There wasn't a lot that we purchased since neither of us prepared by having projects in mind. The old me would've bought charm packs and jelly rolls like they were free but the new me resisted and only walked away with some washi tape, one sheet of letter stickers and a kit to make this little ribbon tag square. I have loads of ribbon and flannel at home but I didn't have that nice soft chenille at home so I splurged on this cute kit. It's from Earthy Goods Quilting and put me out only $8.95! It only took just under 2 hours with numerous breaks so this would make a great gift for someone! Hopefully Annalise will like it! Enjoy the last few hours of the weekend! 

Annalise - 7 Weeks

Can't believe that my sweet lil niece, Annalise, is already 2 months old! +Cynthia Chau wanted to capture monthly photos of the lil peanut so we snapped some shots before we left for vacation. She might look like she's all calm and sweet here, but don't let those sweet cheeks fool you! She was crying and fussing throughout the whole thing. This was a mere couple minutes of calm, cool and collected right after she was finished being fed (which had to be done a few times throughout the photo op!). I still can't believe how big her eyes are and her lashes are getting so long. She's more alert now and following objects around with her eyes. As you can tell from the picture, she's got some pretty sick deltoids developing. And can one deny that she's got the Tran family nose? Yah... didn't think so. Poor thing. 

Annalise

+Cynthia Chau  & +Van Tran welcomed baby Annalise into the world on June 27th, which makes Jamie and I officially Auntie and Uncle! As bias as all aunties are, I must say that she is just the cutest little, wide-eyed, wrinkly forehead, Blue Steal lip poser that I have ever seen. This is little Annalise at 10 days old. The lil monkey peed through the blanket, a soaker pad and the pillow case, right onto her parents' pillow. I love her more already.  

38 Weeks

I'm going to be an aunt any day now. And I'm not talking about the Asian aunt, where everyone and anyone is called "auntie". My brother +Van Tran  and sister-in-law +Cynthia Chau are expecting their first baby girl and we are all so excited. They already picked out the name, but they've been very tight-lipped about it. All we know are the total number of syllables! But we'll all find out soon enough! I was adamant that we capture some photos of this cute baby belly before baby Tran decides to make her appearance so here's one of pictures I snagged earlier this week. 

Sunday Sun

We've been meaning to take some New Year shots of our little family and finally got around to doing it today. After running a few errands, on the drive down our alley we noticed how gorgeous the lighting was. The sun was setting and it was just perfect. After our little impromptu photo session, we went for a little stroll and got to enjoy the wonderful warm weather. Hopefully everyone had a relaxing Sunday. 

A Brief Reflection

Happy New Year everyone! January is always such a unique month. It always gets people thinking of ways to better themselves, whether it be the common ones like more exercise, be healthier etc. or more specific things like learn to paint or get a dog. Jamie made it a point to start eating healthier and start working out again because his skinny clothes are no longer fitting. I told him I would join him in his working out ventures as long as we could agree on a time. I'm not a morning person and he's not a night person so I can't wake up early to work out and he can't do it late. Oh the dilemma!

2012 brought some amazing memories. We started off with some photography goals set with +Jinnee Barazzuol. I never did manage to post 366 photos but I sure did take them! Some of you might remember that I was introduced to Project Life. I wasn't able to keep that up to date despite how easy it was supposed to be, but I am officially on March 2012 so it's a good start! There was also some major travelling done. I got to visit San Francisco, Vancouver and Las Vegas again for some rockin' stagettes with some great friends. We also had our amazing honeymoon that landed Jamie and I in Europe for 4 weeks. I call it a trip of a lifetime and I'm so happy we did it. We also got to see quaint and beautiful Victoria, B.C. and I've concluded that I'd like to retire there. 

I learnt some new skills to add to my hobby/crafting list. I took a quilting class at Sew Divine with +Jinnee Barazzuol and I also picked up crocheting. I did manage to finish some projects with both newly acquired skills! I'm a proud owner of a rail fence quilt and I managed to finish 4 Catherine Wheel circle scarves. Jamie continued to dabble in his knitting and officially had one meeting for his unofficial knitting club. 

Jamie and I both took some big leaps in our career by taking on management roles. It was by far, the hardest interview I've ever had. We're both definitely more stressed and busy at work and it's been challenging trying to get home every evening in time to walk Khuno. I think we've figured out a good rhythm now, but for a while there we were constantly calling each other to say we were working late and asking if the other could go home to walk Khuno. 

We celebrated our 1 year anniversary and although it wasn't a big celebration, Jamie got me the most perfect gift. Paper. I Know that sounds a bit odd, but the reason it was such a great gift is because he filled the paper with his thoughts. I've read and re-read these two sheets of paper countless times and I still feel all warm and sappy each time. 

My brother and sister-in-law ( +Cynthia Chau +Van Tran ) announced that they are expecting their first baby, which means I'm going to be an aunt! She's due this June and I can't wait to have a little baby to snuggle! 

To end off this post, I want to share one last bit of a story. Jamie and I were chatting last week and he asked me something interesting. "If high school you were to talk to you today, what do you think high school you would think of who you've become?" It took us a few minutes to realize it was a question we couldn't answer because high school me was so long ago that I have no idea what I would have thought at 17. It did lead us to a conversation about what we thought of ourselves now. I realize that I am very happy with the person that I've become and I'm so ridiculously content with everything in my life right now that I feel so blessed, lucky, fortunate, the list goes on. I have an amazing husband, a handsome pup, family and friends I love, a job that's challenging me to grow, even my neighbors are amazing. 

I don't know who all actually reads this blog, but I want you to know that I love sharing bits and pieces of our humble lives and I hope you enjoy stopping by. Happy 2013. 

366 Photo Project - Photo 44: Chalkie

This lil cute fella is my parents' pup, Chalkie. He is the sweetest little pug around. Every week we visit our parents along with my brother and we both bring our dogs along. Chalkie has figured out that on the days where my mom stays home from work, it means his friends are coming over to play so he will sit at the top of stairs and wait. And wait. And wait. He'll sit there and not even go to my parents when they try to lure him with food. He survives on fresh yams, broccoli stems, whatever my parents eat and a little bit of kibble. The human food isn't good for him but we can't control what my parents feed him. Doesn't help that Chalkie sits there and whines for food all the time. You'd think that all three dogs get along but Khuno actually can't stand Chalkie. Perhaps it's because Chalkie constantly jumps up on Khuno and it annoys him like a fly would annoy us. There's a lot of low growls that happen throughout dinner. Hope everyone is enjoying the great weather. I'll be back tomorrow to post photo 45. 

365 Photo Project - Photo 23: Organizing

Remember a couple posts ago when we did a Walmart run for photo albums? We had to capture the mayhem in our living room that weekend when Jamie and I decided to organize his parents old photos. They are all sitting in albums now ready to be returned. It was so amazing to be able to see his parents when they got married, their honeymoon and Jamie and Jane's childhood. I'm so glad that they have many pictures of their past and it really inspires me to try and take more photos. I haven't mentioned anything about it on here, but I've started something called Project Life with a few girlfriends. Once I actually get going on it, I'll give you more details. I hope everyone had a great long weekend. Back to the grind in 8 hours. G'nite! 

365 Photo Project - Photo 2

Now I know you might be thinking, "What the heck? Why does it say photo 2 when there were 2 photos posted for photo 1 and now 3 photos posted for photo 2?" Don't worry, let me clarify. Although I love the idea of posting one photo for each day of this 365 Photo Project, my goal is more to post 365 photo projects rather than just 365 individual photos. I'll just label them as photo 123... for ease of reference. Meet Audi. He is Khuno's new cousin. Yes, my SIL and I refer to our dogs as our babies; therefore, they are cousins. He is a corgi husky mix that my brother and SIL rescued from the SPCA. He is just over 4 months and he doesn't bark, loves his crate and can hold his pee. What. The. F$@#.

I have the wrong number?

I just wanted to share a quick bedtime story because it cracks me up and we all know going to bed happy means you wake up happy. 


A piece of background information for you before I tell the story. Jamie's mom, Ngoc, likes sleeping in. I don't mean sleeping in like how I sleep in till 12 but she likes to get her beauty rest till about 9:00-10:00 AM. We were at Jamie's parents for supper a few weeks ago and his parents live in Millwoods. Now I'm not being racist here but we all know there are a lot of East Indian homeowners in Millwoods. I'm not even exaggerating! The neighbors on his parents' either side are both East Indian. One day, the neighbor on their left comes a knocking and asks to borrow their phone because hers was broken. Being nice neighbors, of course Jamie's parents said yes. 


Fast forward a week. It's about 6:30 AM and Ngoc's phone rings. Worried that it may be an emergency since the call was so early, she crawls out of bed to the phone. Now I'll try to tell the story of how Ngoc told us. 


"Oooooyyyy!!! They call me and ask for Indian! They call sooooo earleee oooyyyy. Make me mad! She use the phone and all these people call my house. I get mad! I tell them I NOT INDIAN!!! I VIETNAMESE! I MAD and I say that! I NOT INDIAN!"


Cracks. Me. Up.